Santa Claus was detained at the Canadian border and flown to
Guantanamo Bay for what U.S. officials are calling
"[...]one of the most suspicious beards we've ever seen."
"The guy had a bunch of Playstation 3's and
I've been dying to get one," explained border patrol
agent Joseph Giuliano, "I mean, come on..."
Officials first became suspicious when Claus
was searched and identifications with multiple
names turned up.
"Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle," explained
Giuliano, "It's like he's trying real hard
to be someone else."
A GamePro Magazine
|Witnesses said that officials broke one of Claus's fingers |
and that his captors desecrated a GamePro magazine,
one of the most holy publications to those who celebrate
Christmas. The Pentagon has already rejected allegations
that Guantanamo Bay authorities abused Claus.
The detainee's freedom will be decided in 6 to 24
months by a US federal judge.
|This is on the heels of fresh allegations of prison abuse at Guantanamo reported in statements taken from 13 detainees shortly after a navy chaplain reported the incidents to military investigators in mid-October. The detainees said they were repeatedly beaten and humiliated sexually by American interrogators working at the site. |
Pentagon spokesman Navy Cmdr. Jeffrey Gordon denied the report and any new allegations. "The Department of Defense policy is clear," he said. "We treat all detainees humanely." There was no comment on whether or not Guantanamo officials sodomized Claus with a candy cane.
This is not good news for an already struggling economy. Any holes left in gift delivery will have to be filled by an increase in demand in consumer goods, an increase that will take away from an already monumental task of retooling the nation's lagging infrastructure. Immediate changes in Christmas however, may go unnoticed as George Bush, always doing his best to make a buck, stole Christmas in a roundabout way by outsourcing the previously free gift delivery to Haliburton for $18 Billion.
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