Almas Sucks

big time

Santa detained at border, sent to Guantanamo

Santa Claus was detained at the Canadian border and flown to Guantanamo Bay for what U.S. officials are calling "[...]one of the most suspicious beards we've ever seen." "The guy had a bunch of Playstation 3's and I've been dying to get one," explained border patrol agent Joseph Giuliano, "I mean, come on..." Officials first became suspicious when Claus was searched and identifications with multiple names turned up. "Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle," explained Giuliano, "It's like he's trying real hard to be someone else."

A GamePro Magazine

Witnesses said that officials broke one of Claus's fingers and that his captors desecrated a GamePro magazine, one of the most holy publications to those who celebrate Christmas. The Pentagon has already rejected allegations that Guantanamo Bay authorities abused Claus. The detainee's freedom will be decided in 6 to 24 months by a US federal judge.

This is on the heels of fresh allegations of prison abuse at Guantanamo reported in statements taken from 13 detainees shortly after a navy chaplain reported the incidents to military investigators in mid-October. The detainees said they were repeatedly beaten and humiliated sexually by American interrogators working at the site. Pentagon spokesman Navy Cmdr. Jeffrey Gordon denied the report and any new allegations. "The Department of Defense policy is clear," he said. "We treat all detainees humanely." There was no comment on whether or not Guantanamo officials sodomized Claus with a candy cane.

This is not good news for an already struggling economy. Any holes left in gift delivery will have to be filled by an increase in demand in consumer goods, an increase that will take away from an already monumental task of retooling the nation's lagging infrastructure. Immediate changes in Christmas however, may go unnoticed as George Bush, always doing his best to make a buck, stole Christmas in a roundabout way by outsourcing the previously free gift delivery to Haliburton for $18 Billion.

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Tina Fey beats out Kevin Garnett as entertainer of the year

Yahoo:

NEW YORK – Tina Fey is the entertainer of the year? You betcha. Fey was voted The Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year, an annual honor chosen by newspaper editors and broadcast producers across the country.

Fey was selected by AP members as the performer who had the greatest impact on culture and entertainment in 2008.

The 38-year-old comedian bested runner-up Robert Downey Jr., whose comeback was capped with the blockbuster smash "Iron Man," and the third-place vote-getter, Heath Ledger, who posthumously wowed audiences as the Joker in "The Dark Knight."

But it was Fey who most impressed voters largely with her indelible impression of Gov. Sarah Palin on "Saturday Night Live." Her cameos on her old show (where she had been a head writer until 2006) helped drive the show to record ratings and eventually drew an appearance from Palin herself.

Human Garbage Watch presents Don Surber

Since 2003, two trillion tons of ice in Alaska, Greenland and Antarctica melted and never reformed.

This guy thinks Greenland, Antarctica and most puzzlingly Alaska, literally float on the water.

http://blogs.dailymail.com/donsurber/2008/12/16/just-ask-me-251/

Question: What do you think of 2 trillion tons of ice melting since 2003?

Answer: Not much. It is a scary number that is not put into context. I suspect there are quadrillions of tons of ice out there. When the media uses a scary number, it is because the percentage is small. When the media uses a percentage without using a base number, it is because the number is small. For example, murders doubled without the number could mean 1 murder last year, 2 murders this year.

Question: But doesn’t melting ice raise the sea level?

Answer: Not really. James O’Brien, an emeritus professor at Florida State University: “When the Arctic Ocean ice melts, it never raises sea level because floating ice is floating ice, because it’s displacing water. When the ice melts, sea level actually goes down.

“I call it a fourth grade science experiment. Take a glass, put some ice in it. Put water in it. Mark level where water is. Let it met. After the ice melts, the sea level didn’t go up in your glass of water. It’s called the Archimedes Principle.”

I know when you look at a map it looks like land is floating on water, but it's actually attached to the crust.

Delonte West grows afro, just ends up looking jewish

Palin admits she forgot to vote

She [Palin] talked and laughed with her supporters alongside her husband Todd. She took a moment to speak to reporters and was caught off guard when some asked her about who she voted for.

The governor said, "I don't have to vote. Nobody does. That's really cool about America."

Palin top aide Kris Perry has brushed off criticism and commended the move as "The single best thing anyone has ever done, ever."

Mike Nizich, chief of staff for the Governor, said the abstention showed "courage and leadership and a faith and confidence in the straight talk express."

Palin, dismissing charges of ineptitude and absent-mindedness, explained, "I didn't need to vote, god is my vote, like it says in the bible." She had no comment when pressed on where in the bible it says that.

- Times Online

For those of you keeping score at home

Times Bush has screwed McCain out of being president: 2